¡Hola!
Who the fu*k is Dr. Tyro and what is he doing here? Dr. Tyro, or as his parents liked to call him, little Yngvild, was born to a relatively quiet & remote village in eastern Poland. Her mother was an unemployed blacksmith named Carmen, who didn`t die at childbirth, but faked it so that she could move to Pune, India and become a professional Zennis player. Carmen later wrote to his son that she really wished there was some other sport that would rhyme with Zen. His father Arturo was a professional fisherman until, according to his own words, he was just sick and tired of being harassed by those damn fish all the time. Earlier in his life, he claimed to have developed the art of killing Sardines by suffocating them. Until the end of his days Arturo remained oblivious to the fact that Sardines have the natural inclination towards death by suffocation if taken out of water. He also had aspirations towards artistry, being certain that he was to be a great raconteur & "jokes man". After he died the only remains of this dream was a book filled with the phrase "The other day, when I was smoking Mussels..?" As a young boy, Dr. Tyro spent most his time reading poems, drawing butterflies & playing with his pet Sardine Francis. Francis was later suffocated by his father. When teary little Yngvild confronted his father, Arturo told his son that he was sorry about Francis` faith, but that sometimes instinct just takes over and that “Francis would never have loved you like I do”. Despite Arturo`s general distrust towards all fish, Francis was replaced by a Goldfish named Thornwald. When Thornwald died of natural causes at age six, Arturo confessed that he had spent countless hours studying the goldfish’s movements, anatomy and possible weak spots, and that “if God had only given that damn fish more time, he would have finally been able to choke that harassing bastard”. As a young man, Dr. Tyro dedicated his time to understanding the human psyche. After over a decade of study, he concluded that humans in general are relatively unstable, and that it might be best to find a ticket out of here. What that ticket might be and where exactly this here - or for that matter there - is has of yet to be revealed. He works as a self-help therapist, mainly focusing on himself. And now, having been telepathically contacted (or so he thinks) by the kind people of Dynamo, he’s a columnist too!
And welcome to Dynamo`s Vappu news marathon.
The winter many people are waking up to has been discovered to be a practical joke. The so-called joke was conducted by a group of individuals calling themselves "The `It`s Not A Lottery Victory To Be Born In Finland. At least Not The Big Pot. It Might Be A Small Pot. But Definitely Not The Big One.´ Group.
They have released the following statement:
"People of Finland.
On this summer`s eve, we wanted to remind you of the conditions that are most prevalent in this country.
We live in what is basically a 55% winter land.
If you like that, that is fine.
But if you don`t, now, when the good times a.k.a. summer & spring are coming, we wanted to remind you that they represent a relatively small percentage of the overall year.
Maybe 24%.
This is what you wake up to for the most part.
We wanted you to remember this feeling, this feeling that is so easy to forget while you`re enjoying the sun and drinking http://www.coolthings.com/okhotsk-blue-draft-is-beer-made-from-melted-icebergs/comment-page-1/.
That is all for now.
Oh yeah, we did want to make a pie chart of the cycle of seasons, but ran out of time."
Supo is starting an investigation concerning the groups activities to deem if they are anti-Reilu Meininki.
In other news:
The proposal made by an active member of "The Younglings Of Kokoomus" to annihilate all Saimaa Ringed Seals was met with great enthusiasm from our fair country`s high command and the sports hunting of the Ringed Seal was made legal three weeks ago.
After two weeks http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V17duGlHEYY of joyous Seal hunting, the locals started to complain that they were "getting ripped off their God given right to kill those fuckers themselves" since the Ministry For Tourism had decided to make Ringed Seal hunting a rather expensive affair à la Africa`s Safari Tourism.
After a short but heated debate http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5YXZ9RtOms, it was decided that the locals would get their shot too before ISAF forces, led by general Stansfield - seen here assessing the seriousness of the threat posed by The Ringed Seals last stand http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk6ar7Kqu7c&feature=related
Our reporter was at the scene on the last day:
" We shall begin our report by interviewing Pertti, a local fisherman & a true connoisseur of what it feels like to hate The Ringed Seal.
He has been trying to kill a Ringed Seal not just for the past week, but for most of his adult life, alienating his wife & two children in the process, and yet he has been unable to kill one single seal.
Now Pertti, there are only an estimated 27 Ringed Seals left and I hear that you just tried to shoot one, but missed again. That must be incredibly frustrating? `Well, yeah, it is. I mean, I have hated these goddamn beast for nearly four decades now, and not to get to kill one just makes me really really really sad. I`ve watched tourists from all around the world get to shoot those perch eating sons of bitches, and in a way I feel like I am letting not just myself down, but also my family - God bless them, and if they are watching: daddy just wants to come home - and my country´
That must be a terrible feeling Pertti, reminiscent maybe of the sensation that The Three Karpaasi`s must have felt after Lahti?
`Yup. It certainly is. And that was a terrible year. Loosing the gold to the Czechs at the hockey world cup... I though that I had seen the abyss, the swamp, of the soul... it took me quite some time to recover... and now this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsx2vdn7gpY´
Now, now, no need for such talk my dear fellow! Many a man has experienced similar things by making stupid mistakes, may that be from not being able to kill a fish loving cuddly creature, or something completely different http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJynLFgXUN4
Pertti, you will get through this period of pain & even though you are seemingly alone http://www.theonion.com/video/stouffers-to-include-suicide-prevention-tips-on-si,17129/ help is somewhere... out there... or is it..? Just kidding Pertti, you`re gonna be fine. Just fine. Right."
And in unrelated news, worried home owners around Finland are replacing their tables with the new Finnish Army Home Defence Tableaux™. http://www.flickr.com/photos/43469723@N03/4447687657/
Some bars are also contemplating upgrading their furniture.
"Finally bar fights would have their original Chevalieresque aspect returned to them. I mean, it used to be a gentleman's sport, instead of just two drunken swines hitting each other like some beasts" commented a local Pub owner.
& in typically lowbrow humor à la Vappu, and following other Vappu magazines like Pilde&Napander or Äpy, Vogue Mexico has published 3-D pictures of Isabeli Fontana. http://www.styleite.com/media/vogue-mexico-3d/
The Hot Vappu items list this year are:
The AK-47 water pistol
http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/ak-47-aqua-fire/index.html
A swanky transparent football game.. thing...
http://www.teckell.com/teck.htm
Rather disturbing teddy bears
http://www.thelasttuesdaysociety.org/juvenalia.html
Finally getting that Romain Jerome watch
http://www.romainjerome.ch/footer/press-lounge/index.lbl
And while your at it, why not get the Eyjafjallajökull model, to be truly.. in touch with the times.
[Quite funny, no?]
A Blofield inflatable bathtub, even though it`s not even for sale yet.
http://www.notcot.com/archives/2010/04/blofield_inflatable_bathtub.php
A doll haunted by a spirit of particularly nasty prostitute
http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/doll-haunted-by-nasty-prostitute
And of course the 57th re-release of The Star Wars Trilogy. Now in Blu-Ray.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4IpEAdgmPI
A fan commented on the issue:
"You won't fool me this time, Lucas. I'm not buying another bullshit Star Wars release until Lucasfilm starts selling the one they exhume from your grave."
Touché.